Little Library of Possibilities

As children we never learned how to regulate our emotions. We may have been ignored and left to ourselves when we were experiencing strong emotions. Never learning how to handle these feelings we shut them down or tried to ignore them in order to return to feeling “safe”. Emotions have become so foreign to us that any emotion we feel can sometimes be too much—even feeling like we are out of control or dangerous.

We were not taught how to express our emotions in a healthy way. We learned how to suppress them (“stop crying”, “get over it”, “cowboy up”) or ignore them until we could regain control. From this we learned that emotions were not important and highly inconvenient. From these early childhood experiences we also got used to people not caring how we felt.

When we get into a disagreement, or even if there is tension in the room, our body sends danger signals. We may feel out of control or overwhelmed with the emotion of the situation and either shut down or walk away to try and escape it. Not understanding how to handle our emotions we may also have overly strong reactions that are disproportionate to the issue.

As emotionally neglected children we were not taught how to deal with a conflict through appropriate modeling by our caretaker. We never learned how to navigate the confusing dynamics of interpersonal communication. Our bodies may perceive emotion as “dangerous” and we will do whatever we can to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

Oftentimes when growing up we felt that we were too much to handle, in terms of our emotional needs. When we did ask for help we would see our caretaker become upset or frustrated. We learned from this that it would be better if we didn’t have any feelings at all and that what we needed was not important. 

From an early age we became very independent and learned to take care of ourselves. Now as adults, we cannot (subconsciously) allow ourselves to ask for help or rely on others. Sometimes we become triggered because we feel that we will be a burden, ignored, unimportant, or helpless, just like we felt as a child.

As a mother this might seem odd since I have a tendency to focus on the needs of my children before my own needs. However, this symptom of CEN is different.

We learned very quickly at a young age to read other people’s feelings in order to keep ourselves safe. We are able and very willing to offer help, understanding, and care to others. However, when it came to help, compassion, or understanding for ourselves we were, and still are, impatient because we felt like we, or our feelings, might be an unnecessary burden. 

We were not taught how to read our own feelings or even how to calm ourselves in emotional settings. We became aware that we could breathe more easily when everyone else was calm. We were subconsciously trained that only when everyone else is okay, or when everything is done, is it okay for us to relax.

In childhood expressing strong emotions were not accepted, not appreciated, and sometimes not even acknowledged by our caretaker. We learned how to hide our feelings and grew up thinking that we had to deal with, or ignore, anything emotional ourselves. We became independent and took pride (and still do) in doing everything on our own. We don’t need anyone else. EVER.

The problem is that if we do everything ourselves and we mess up we can feel intense shame about it. It then reinforces the feeling that we are not acceptable. We have an unnecessary reaction to always be perfect, or at least not make mistakes, so as not to bother or inconvenience others.

We may become angry with ourselves for making (human) mistakes or experiencing (human) emotions. We may have never learned that emotions are actually healthy to experience (big, small, happy, sad…all of them), and that as we feel them and ride through them we can learn to hold, express, and manage them.

Throughout childhood we learned to read what other people needed, and rarely tried to figure out what we wanted or needed. As adults we don’t know who we are or what we want, and it’s hard to decide between one thing and another. We worry about making the wrong decision because we might upset someone. Sometimes we are frozen with worry

As children if having an opinion or a strong response to something was never okay it can be triggering to us as adults to be asked what we want. This may also push us into a fight, flight, or freeze stress response.

When our thoughts and opinions weren’t acceptable, wanted, and sometimes ignored, we grew up doubting who we really were. We were so focused on others and making sure that we were safe that we may not have realized that we were important too. We never learned about ourselves: our hopes, dreams, desires, strengths, and weaknesses. Now as adults we don’t really know who we are or what we want.

“Constantly fighting unseen dangers is exhausting and leaves [us] fatigued, depressed, and weary….Not being able to take in what is going on around them makes it impossible to feel fully alive. It becomes harder to feel the joys and aggravations of ordinary life, harder to concentrate on the tasks at hand. Not being fully alive in the present keeps [us] more firmly imprisoned in the past” (Bessel van der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score”, p67)

As our emotions were continually ignored or challenged we learned as children that it wasn’t acceptable to feel what we were feeling. We learned to lie about how we felt (“I’m fine”, “everything’s okay”, etc) in order to feel safe. We knew that if we told the truth about how we felt or what we needed we may have been shut down, ignored, or shamed.

Being around others can remind us that we are a burden, and it can be stressful and exhausting trying to read everyone’s emotions in order to make sure the we can feel safe. Sometimes it can feel too overwhelming. When we are by ourselves we often feel safer because we can’t let anyone down, bother anyone, or have anyone mad at us.

Growing up with parents/caretakers who were unavailable emotionally taught us that not dealing with emotions was normal. We may stay in relationships with blurry boundaries or where we are not respected because it feels familiar. As a child we may have experienced doubt and insecurity about our own self worth. In looking to be accepted by other people we may look for those who are emotionally unavailable because we see it as comfortable and “safe”.