Foundational Emotional Needs
As human beings we each have foundational emotional needs. These need to be taken care of as children in order for us to learn how to regulate our emotions properly throughout our life. If we do not learn how to do this as children we will not have the ability as adults, and it will hinder us in very unique ways until we can learn to meet those needs for ourselves. Here is an overview.
Setting boundaries is the ability to say yes or no to others and to ourselves. This applies in all aspects of our life (physical, emotional, mental, etc).
“At their core, boundaries are all about who we give power to. They force us to analyze why we may not be giving ourselves permission to work and live in the way that we feel is best for our well-being. If we’re not deciding our lives, schedules, and workloads, who is? Boundaries allow us to decide when, how, and if we give this power away.
“This is why, when setting boundaries, we typically go wrong when we expect other people to give us what we need as opposed to taking the initiative ourselves”
https://hbr.org/2022/04/a-guide-to-setting-better-boundaries
“Without strong but flexible boundaries, you may be overly vulnerable to criticism or insults from others, you may struggle to manage your feelings internally or prone to emotional outbursts, you may find yourself worrying too much, dwelling on the past, or not keeping yourself safe enough”
– Dr. Jonice Webb
Feeling safe as a child helps us gain the ability to self-regulate our nervous system. As caregivers console us in our anger, grief, or with other strong emotions, our body learns how to regulate itself. It is also the ability to be open and honest with how we truly feel without fear of shame or ridicule.
“As we grow up, we gradually learn to take care of ourselves, both physically and emotionally, but we get our first lessons in self-care from the way that we are cared for. Mastering the skill of self-regulation depends to a large degree on how harmonious our early interactions with our caregivers are.”
(Bessel van der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score”, p112)
The need for love is feeling that you are loved for who you are and not for what you do or achieve.
“[T]he capacity to be connected in meaningful and healthy ways is shaped by our earliest relationships. Love, and loving caregiving, is the foundation of our development. What happened to you as an infant has a profound impact on this capacity to love and be loved….
“The attentive, loving behaviors [of your caregiver] grow the neural networks that allow us to feel love, and then act in loving ways toward others. If you are loved, you learn to love.”
(Bruce D. Perry, “What Happened To You?”, p75, 77).